I just wanna get you to dance to my rhythm...

Apparently so....

2005-01-21T07:46:36Z

I've come to the conclusion that there is no way of me dating someone and having a sexual relationship with them without getting my feelings involved. I've tried many times to just date various people, but there is always one person that I become sexually involved with and I tend to gain more feelings for that person than I should.

When I get advice from friends, I've been told to keep my options open, to get "my groove on" but not get too involved with them, to just have fun and not worry about having a "relationship". Well, I guess it's not my nature to do that....cuz I find myself always getting my feelings involved and then wanting more...I always try to build something with someone that is not willing to do the same...AND I can't be sexually involved with more than one person at a time. Some may be able to do it, but I can't. I guess that's where my feelings come in.

I'm still really new at the dating scene. Altho I've been on a few, the ones I've been sexually involved with only last about 6-8 months. Around that time is when I start to feel like I'm wasting my time on something that isn't really going anywhere. So when I start to become more vocal about it, they start to become more quiet about it.

In the beginning, things are set where it's "nothing serious", we're just "getting to know each other", let's "hang out"...blah blah blah...I'm all for it...in the beginning. But as time moves on, I would eventually want something more. I start craving for stablility, for some sort of direction, for LOVE. And in the end, because I'm stepping forward, he decides to step back.

So it comes down to this...NO MORE SEXUAL INVOLVEMENTS. I'm going to continue dating, but practice abstinence. That's right, I said it. ABSTINENCE. It's adolesence all over again...wait for the right person BEFORE having any kind of sexual intercourse with them. I figure, if sexual involvement is what's hurting me in the end, why not take that part out completely and see where it can go? A BIG test for me and the next person I'll be dating. *hope he's not reading this* lol, j/k

Leaving You Behind

2005-01-18T01:27:33Z

It really wasn't easy, but I made up my mind.
Need to leave things behind
And quit being blind
To what's right
Cuz I get weak at night
Remembering the times with you.

Your name is gone.
No more calls when I'm intoxicated
Just to feel appreciated
Just to feel what we created
Then feel depreciated
Then frustrated
All over again.

It may not be your intention to hurt me.
If only you were more open to your feelings
And you talked to me about other things
Than just all the good shit
Avoiding the problems that were arising with me.
I wouldn't be hit
With the truth that I set aside
Everytime we touched.
I thought I'd be able to handle you.

I would like to think of it as just a fling
Friends with benefits, booty calling.
Whatever it was,
I wish it didn't hurt so bad.
Cuz you were more to me than just that.

So he calls...not Roland...but

2005-01-14T19:25:43Z

JAKE.

He calls me 3:30am this morning...asking if I could come over and keep him company. Yeah right. I totally didn't want to go back to that. After what he did? HELL NAH.

I'm just working my ass off, trying to make as much money as I can to pay off my debts and start saving for Brenden's future. I can't wait to get my taxes tho...it's going to be a big life saver!

I found the perfect song for Roland:

Is She The Reason
By: Destiny's Child: Destiny Fulfilled

[Verse 1 Beyonce]
I Thought That This Was Something (Yes)
Promising That One Day
It Would Turn Into Something (Yes)
I Thought The Feelings Were Mutual
And I Didn't Have To Guess
Started Being Skeptical
Always Unavailable
Like You Didn't Know
But Now I'm Feeling Something (Yes)
It's Telling Me This May Not Be The Real Something (Yes)
But You Was Showing Me
Now I'm Ready And You Running
Damn You Got Me Open Now
Feeling Like I'm Choking Now
Where Am I To Go?

[PreChorus Kelly]
I Can't
Believe The Way That You Can Feel My Heart
And I Can't
Believe The Way You Make Me Fall So Hard
Stop Playing
How Could You Let It Go This Far?
If You Had Doubts That I Wasn't The One
And You Said
That You're The Type To Take It Slow
And You Said
Before I Step I'll Let You Know
Stop Playing
Before You Let Me See You With Her
You Could Have Told Me A Change Was Going To Come

[Chorus]
Is She The Reason You Don't Call Me Like You Use To?
Fall Through My Hood Like You Use To
Or Put It On Me Hard Like You Use To Do
I Feel In My Mind What's Going On
But My Heart Won't Let Me Go Until I Know
Is She The Reason My Calls Didn't Reach You?
The Deepest Of My Love Couldn't Please You
Or Bring It To Me Home Like You Use To Do
Seeing Her Falling For Your Charm
Got Me Feeling Like I Wasn't Good Enough

[Verse 2 Beyonce]
See I Know We Not Official (No)
But Us Being Official Ain't Never Been An Issue (No)
It Came Down To Us
Boy Remember We Were Different
We Said That We'd Talk
If We Ever Had Problems About Anything
I Was Cool With No Commitment (Wait)
Let Me Take That Back
It Was You, So I Was With It (See)
Guess I Didn't Get
When You Showed You Didn't Miss It
Not It Seems That Your Interest Ain't Here
And We Ain't The Same

[PreChorus]
[Chorus]

[Bridge Michelle]
All You Had To Say Was This Ain't What You Want
I Wouldn't Be So Hurt And I Could Just Move On
You Had Me Believing, Everything Was My Fault
But I Can See Now
It's A Situation That I Must Let Go
Cause You Ain't Going To Me A Man And Let Me Know
I Guess Me Seeing You With Her
Says It All

[Chorus Out]

Well, it's finally over...

2005-01-10T21:25:36Z

Things between me and Roland are over. Here's the email I sent him:

Subject: when you're ready

Dear Roland,

First and foremost, I want you to know that I’m totally into you. I think about you on a constant basis, but I want to feel that this will go somewhere…and I know it isn’t.

My feelings may have gotten too deep for just “fun times” together…I eventually want more than just companionship. I want love…and I know that’s something you’re not ready for. I wish I could continue to see you the way we have been seeing each other, but because more of my feelings have surfaced, I don't know if I can? Again, it’s one of those confusing moments where I don’t know what I want to do…because being with you is so great, but not really being with you isn’t.

I don’t feel that you’ve led me on in any way, so don’t think that you have. Sometimes I did feel that you showed more than I would expect and sometimes it did confuse me, because it totally made me feel good and I wasn’t sure if feeling that way was even ok? There were certain limitations I had to go by, which explains all the questions I ask about us occasionally. But I knew what I got into with you and I knew where we stood. I’ve tried my best to control whatever went on between us…my feelings, my expectations, my doubts. But once it came down to it, I was completely lying to myself, denying to myself that you were just someone I was dating. You’ve become more than that to me…I found myself comparing you to the others that I was dating and I just wanted you. I often wished that something more could come out between us…and I often wondered if you felt the same, even for a moment.

When I was at your house last, I saw on your bathroom towel pinkish lip gloss wiped on it. I’ve been getting the feeling that you’ve been seeing someone and I’m not sure why you wouldn’t tell me….but honestly it totally kills me to even think about it. Even if you weren’t, the feeling I got when I saw that made me question myself…can I really do this?

I do hope we can still remain good friends. That’s all we’ve ever wanted for each other. Thank you again for my x-mas gift and for everything else.

You’re a great person, someone I can see myself with…maybe one day you can let me know when you’re ready for that.

Always,
~Liz

If you're wondering what he gave me for X-mas, he gave me a wooden box with our picture on the top of it, the one we took at my company party. Inside was a gift car for $50 to Robinsons May and some hershey's kisses. The card read:

I figured you like gift cards, a pic of me (jk), and a bunch of kisses from me! Merry Christmas!

I guess he's just one of those "nice guys", more like a cassanova...that just doesn't know what he really wants, but would like as much options as he can get. And I don't think I can stick around for that anymore, cuz I definitely want more and can't handle sharing.

Company X-mas Dinner

2004-12-18T01:38:20Z

Last nite was nice. Got to Roland's and he drove to the restaurant. I gave him a cd about 2 wks. ago and when we got into his car, he had it playing. Apparently he likes the same song I like on that cd, and I wonder if he knows I gave that cd to him for a reason. Here's the lyrics to that song:

TEEDRA MOSES

"Be Your Girl"

Don't know if you got a girl
Don't mean to disrespect but
Thoughts of you rule my world
I even dream of you, I swear
Visions of you and I

See you all around my way
Been meaning to say "Hi" but
I'm just way too shy
I gotta make you see this is
More than just a silly crush

(And I...) Wonder if you even notice me and
(Oh..) You gotta feel me
(And I...) Would love you good.
(Just wanna be your girl)

All alone at night
I habor feelings for you
Holding my pillow tight
Sometimes I even touch myself
Imagining your pleasure baby.

Next time I see you I'm
Gonna walk right up to you and
Say what's on my mind
I gotta make you see, this is
(More) than just a silly crush

(And I...) Wonder if you even notice me and
(Oh..) You gotta feel me
(And I...) Would love you good.
(Just wanna be your girl)

I wonder if you even notice me
Ooh you gotta feel me
I would love you good
(Just wanna be) (Just wanna be)
(Just wanna be) your girl
(And I...) Wonder if you even notice me and
(Oh..) You gotta feel me
(And I...) Would love you good.
(Just wanna be your girl)

We kept playing that song in the car...anyways...we get there and we sit. I introduce him to some of the people surrounding us and we start to order drinks and our food. The girl's who have not met him kept giving me a 2 thumbs up, which was really funny...but I wish things were as good as they thought.

After dinner we decided to play pool at Charles Billiards. Natalie, Russ, Maju and Celquine came along and we just played some pool and drank. I had a good time with him, he was making me laugh about nonsense things, like always, being a dork.

We head back to his place and I was getting ready to leave when he asked me to stay. So I did. Before we fell asleep he asked me again, "So what do you think about us?"

"I don't know. There's days when I totally want things to get serious, then there's days when I don't cuz I don't know if I'm ready for that?"

"Yeah, me too."

"How do you feel about it?"

"I feel the same way."

And he knocks out.

One thing he said to me the following morning was this, which made my heart stop for a second.

"I love you when you kiss me like that."

WTF? Isn't it suppose to be "I love it when you kiss me like that." Not I LOVE YOU when you kiss me like that????

I've been thinking about that all freaken day and it bothers me that he can be one way one day, and then be totally different the next.

I guess I'm just as confused as he is, BUT, he makes things confusing for me.

So, ever since that day....

2004-12-16T20:10:05Z

The day Roland tried to cancel on me for the 3rd time, he's been super duper nice to me. That weekend I went shopping and found the perfect gifts for him. I bought him the book Relationships for Dummies, totally perfect! LOL....and I also got him a bamboo curtain for his livingroom. I dropped it off to him on Sunday, and he was totally shocked. I also gave a little something for his Mom, she's a really nice lady and thought she should get something too. Got her this nice little asian inspired tea set in a nice red box.

Today is our Company X-mas Dinner and we're having it at Chevy's Fresh Mex Restaurant this year. Roland is actually attending it with me...my co-workers got all excited about that. I'm wondering how it's going to be? He totally sounded excited to go, well...he was buzzed when he called me to RSVP late Monday night. He also opened the gifts and loves them. "You're the sweetest person I know!" Whatever man.

Brenden has been doing absolutely great in school and has been participating in a lot of the school activities, from what the teacher has been telling me. I'm trying to make him eat the school lunch instead of me having to make it every morning....he's really picky when it comes to food, so I want him to learn how to eat the other food like all the other kids. It's hard when they are too picky. Always gotta have certain food available at all times, or else, they won't eat. But so far so good. He's been changing his eating habits slowly.

I received a call from my best friend Steve. I actually have a lot of close male friends, but Steve and Mike are the only 2 I've been really ever close with. I've known Steve since high school, even had a crush on him and him on me...but we've always made our friendship a priority with each other. We've always made an effort to stay in touch whenever we get to the point where we're "too busy" to chill. Mike I see all the time and talk to at least 3 times a week. Steve has been going thru some bullshit and is in rehab right now. No, he's not a druggie at all, just something he has to do because the court system made him. Anyways, he's out in Mission Viejo and will be coming down this friday to hangout. Everytime he says he's coming down for the weekend, I never get to see him...so hopefully it will go thru this friday. I'm excited about that. I miss that guy...especially with him having to go thru what he's going thru now, I'd like to be there for him.

This Sat. is Jogina's Annual X-mas Party...that's going to be fun!

dragon_flies @ 2004-12-10T09:45:00

2004-12-10T18:29:07Z

I finally did it. I put my foot down and said something to Roland about his inconsideration to the time I put aside for him.

Tuesday evening he calls me asks me about my b-day and suggests that we do something this week. He wants to take me out on thursday, but mentions that he was going to go to vegas with his sister on wednesday. So when he gets back, he wanted to meet up and do something.

So I made the plans with my Mom to watch my son for me and got dressed up and everything that day. Did my make-up all nice, my hair, and was pretty much prepared to have a good time, expecting a nice evening with him.

I text him to see if we were still on for tonite, and he calls me back at around 5.

"Hey Liz, OMG, I'm so hung over from last nite. I gambled so much and lost a lot of money. Anyways, I don't know if I'm really up for doing anything big tonite. Maybe we could just stay home and I'll cook."

I said ok, I was totally fine with just kickin' it.

6 o'clock rolls around and he calls back, "You know what Liz, can we do this another time? I'm really not up to do anything and I'm going to be bad company, really boring. Maybe we could do this another time, I've got the food and everything, just let me know when you're free."

"OK"

I was so upset, but I didn't want to talk to him while I was still at work. So I finished up and called Liz. I was totally venting and decided to call him myself and tell him how I felt.

"Hey Roland. We need to talk."

"Yeah, what's going on?"

"OK, I don't know if you think about this, but do you know how hard it is for me to be able to come out on a weeknite? For you to make plans with me and just drop it isn't cool. I mean, I'm not saying that your excuse isn't a good one, you're hungover, I understand...but I've got responsibilities...and I need to set everything up at home before I can do anything. I dressed up nice and tried to make it possible for tonite, and then you just cancel on me. That's being pretty inconsiderate on your part. This is the third time that this has happened, and I think that just sucks. We've been dating for 6 months now, and I think you know me by now. I could do anything with you, even if it was just at home. Friend or not, girlfriend or not, you don't just cancel on people like that. Once, ok, twice, alright, but a third time? Come on, that sucks. You know what I mean?"

"Oh yeah totally, I understand. I'm sorry, I'm not really thinking. It does suck, and I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well...I just wanted to tell you how I felt about that cuz it's upsetting when it happens too many times."

"Yeah, I totally understand. Well, why don't you come over and we can talk about it some more."

So I go to his house and we talk for a bit, then he decides to make the dinner he had prepared to make for me. Salmon, rice and salad. It was really good, but I was still a little bugged by him. Through our conversation, he asked what I think about when I think about us...I said, "Well, I don't know what to think? I mean, I would think it's pretty special, cuz although I am dating other people, you are the only one I'm intimate with." "Yeah, I'm talking to someone too, just an old friend, nothing serious, and I'm not intimate with her either." I knew it, my intuition was telling me that I wasn't the only one. That fucker.

We watch Dodgeball (which is a GREAT movie btw) and took a 30 min nap before leaving.

The month of November

2004-11-29T21:27:08Z

Well, since my last entry I talked about Roland and I calling it quits. But it didn't end. We're still seeing each other and we've seen each other almost every weekend, once or twice a week. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad one, cuz things have not changed. I mean, there's been little bits here and there that shows he cares enuff for me to be around, but I really don't know where I stand still. I don't even know if I am the only one in his life right now. Intuition tells me I'm not.

But on the other hand, I'm still searching for possible relationships with others. There's Eric, who took me out for dinner on Wed. nite. He's really nice, very talkative, shows interest in me and what I'm about. Then there's the crush from jr. high, Mike...we were only talking but didn't get anywhere at the time. We bump into each other once in while, but have been talking more and have plans on going out some time. Then there's Allan, the west co guy that I've mentioned before. He's taking me out for dinner on Sat., which I'll be celebrating my b-day that weekend. Yes, I have options, yet I still find myself wanting to work things out with Roland more...I'm trying really hard not to focus so much on just him. He even mentioned not to stop myself or hold off from anyone else. Maybe him not wanting me to do that, makes me want to do that even more? How pathetic.

Anyways, I'm trying to move on and I'm still wanting a stable relationship with someone. I'm tired of feeling lost...I just want someone I can finally call my own.

dragon_flies @ 2004-10-21T13:09:00

2004-10-21T20:03:37Z

Withdrawals

I sit at work and I see his name across my address book
Just one look at his name is all it took.
Sometimes I want to call him and just act like nothing happened.
But I won’t be honest with myself, I can’t be just a friend.
Not to him.
Or should I email him and just say hi?
Or maybe I should just go out and get high?
Why not?
I’ll be in another world and I won’t think about him then.
Or maybe I should do my work? Hell, I’ll just pretend.

I’ll write and write and write and write…and write some more and more and more…
‘Til I’m sick of writing all the things my heart wants to pour.
I’ll tell him how good we could be
If he chose me…
If he could fit me into his schedule when he’s free.
If he could hold me and tell me everything will be all right
Just like he did most of the nights
When I was with him.
When I was with him.
When I was with HIM.

But I made the decision of letting it go and I can’t go back on my word.
Yet my heart aches and my mind creates songs I’ve never heard.

Shit, why is it so hard to forget?

I went to bed thinking about him and I woke up thinking about him.
I want to hear his voice again, but the chances are very slim.

Just like the Usher song he says, “Let it burn, let it burn, let it burn.”
Why haven’t I learned…

rainy day

2004-10-20T21:17:13Z

It's another rainy day in Glendale...and I'm totally not in the mood to work today. I've been trying really hard to keep myself busy...tho it's crossed my mind that Roland has not called me since friday. I was used to hearing from him every other day at least, but my phone has not rang since the dreaded day I've made the decision to let him go. I really hate having to do the right things...sometimes it REALLY SUCKS.

Saturday morning when I woke up in Roland's bed, I realized how bad it was for me to be there. The night before he picked me up from my co-worker's house...I was totally gone (stoned and drunk) and I decided to leave with him cuz I couldn't drive for shit. We stopped by McDonald's near his house to pick up some food and went to his house. We ate on his bed and flipped thru the channels on tv...when I had the sudden urge to watch a porno w/ Ter Patrick or Jenna Jameson in it.

"Hey, you know what I wanna watch? I wanna watch a porno w/ Jenna or Tera..."

"Really? Hold on."

Roland gets up and leaves the room, then comes back and pops in a dvd.

The porno was nothing but an amateur flick, which doesn't get me off AT ALL. Then he says,

"Oh, there's just a small part in here w/ Tera Patrick."

We watch and all I did was bag on the girls that were on there. It really wasn't that entertaining.

As we finished eating, he looks at me and says, "So, is this the last time?" I didn't say anything, and we start kissing...

That morning he took me back to my co-worker's house since I left my car there. Still feeling high and a bit buzzed, I started to talk to him about the situation...and all he could say was, "I don't know what to say?" I put it out there on how I was feeling, maybe wanting more but wasn't ready to hear the rejected conversation he would give me. Maybe he IS emotionally handicapped (as my co-worker would say) or maybe he's just not ready. Nonetheless, I'm done. And it seems that he is too.

*praying* Please help me get through this. I've been through this before, let me find the strength to do it again...and please give me the patience to wait for Mr. Right Now.

dragon_flies @ 2004-10-15T16:16:00

2004-10-15T23:14:57Z

Love by ruby mae
Your name
Your partner
You two are	Inseperable
Your meeting was by	Chance
They are your	Strength
You are their	True love
Your love will	Stay alive

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Roland and I are no longer seeing eachother. I gave up....here's what I wrote him:

Hi...

I know we've both been really busy to put any time into seeing each other...let alone talk to each other...but it's given me some time to think about things...I just thought I should talk to you about it now and let you know, cuz I don't want this to linger on in my head.

Actually, this is one of the reasons why I asked to come over Tuesday nite, not only to dry my clothes (LOL) but to also talk to you about how I'm feeling.

I don't have a problem with us, I love hanging out with you, but I have a problem with me. I just feel like there are too many restrictions and I can't continue restricting my feelings or my wants…with you in particular, cuz my feelings are genuine.

Becuz I've always put my all into relationships or have been in long term relationships, I've always wanted to try being in an open one, or just date various people...which I have been these past 2 yrs. But, once I know my feelings are going beyond it's limits, I immediately try to stop any intimacy with that person to avoid getting into something I know I would not be able to control.

So, becuz I know my feelings have grown this far, I'd like to stop seeing you and just chill...I do want to continue talking to you tho and hopefully continue our friendship. I just want to stop fucking around with my feelings, cuz that's what I'm basically doing...if I continue seeing you like this.

I could have just ignored you or just made up excuses to not see you…but I don’t think that would be the right way to do it, not with someone you care about. It matters more to me that we remain friends than to not have anything at all.

Let me know what you think or if there is anything you need to say. I’d understand if you’re busy right now, we can talk later if necessary.

~Liz

He calls me later that day jsut to say, "I understand."

Oh, but we're still friends tho. Big fucken WooPee!

I wish there could be more with us, but if he isn't ready, then I can't wait. Anyways, time to move on...

I'm trying.

2004-10-04T17:09:57Z

Roland is still in the picture...things have been said, yet has not changed.

Well, for one thing we've decided to make this an open relationship. This isn't the first for me, I've been in open relationships before...but I always tend to get more of my feelings involved than I should. I tell myself to just give it a try anyways...but I don't know. It's really hard. Tho we've talked about this and made this decision, things between us are still the same. We see each other at least 2-3 times a week...and we pretty much act the same. So I have a feeling this might not end the way I want it to.

There's only so much I can tolerate...I mean, if I don't know in 3 months where the relationship is going, then I will probably break it down and call it quits. Cuz think about it, if he doesn't know how he feels about me by then, why even bother being in it? I will just hurt myself even more knowing that I want all of him, and he only wants part of me...

Since this is an open relationship, I've already tried keeping myself busy elsewhere. I've been making time for other people, like Alan. This is the guy that a few months ago asked for my number from Manny. He one of the West Co guys, and I hang out with them now and then when I see them. We were talking for a couple weeks, but he seemed to have played hard to get at the time, not really focusing on what was going on between us and actually, what was going on period. He was going to school at the time, (Culinary school) and had no time to really do anything. So whenever I did see him, it was like whatevers. Then a couple weeks ago, I see him at a club and we ended up talking all nite. He then told me, "You know what, I was very intimidated by you." What?

Since then he's been calling me and IM-ing me at work. He took me out to dinner last week...he's a nice guy, but not Roland.

I know, I know...I shouldn't compare. But it's hard for me not to. I mean, on one hand there's Roland with the nice car, his own pad, owns his own business, has money...and the feeling when I'm w/ him is - blissful. Then on the other there's Alan with a truck, lives with his parents, doesn't work and doesn't have money...and the feeling when I'm w/ him is - nothing.

I'm trying tho.

the wedding reception

2004-08-30T22:39:48Z

Geez, where do I begin?

Well, to cont. where I previously left off...we basically were both pretty excited about the attending the wedding reception together. I can't really get into detail w/ that, cuz so much has happened.

Thursday nite I was out w/ my friend Liz when we decided to go to the Sex Shoppe. Roland calls and invites us over to his house for a few drinks afterwards. He invited a couple more friends over, we all drank and talked about "back in the days" and relationships.

Friday nite I went out with Luella to Level 3. Roland goes out to Nonya in Pasadena...later that nite he calls and says that him and his friends got into a fight some guys. One of the girls got socked in the eye. I walk into his house with one girl holding an ice pack on her eye, another guy holding an ice pack on his head. Turns out the people they got into a fight w/ I knew one of the guys. Great.

Sat. is the wedding reception. Roland picks me up and we get to the reception about 6pm. Saw everyone who said was going to attend. Roland also knew a couple of people there, so it wasn't too awkward for him. Regardles if he knew people or not, he has no problem starting conversation w/ anyone, so I wasn't worried. We all got pretty lit by the end of the nite...we danced, took pictures, just had a really good time. My friends really like Roland and vice versa. By 12am everyone is ready to leave, and we head out to a pool hall to meet with some of his friends. Drank more there, then headed to a taco truck to grab something to eat. We had a pretty deep conversation that nite, and since then we've been really open with our feelings. It seems we're both feeling each other the same way and trying to take it slow at the same time.

Sun. afternoon we wake up and watch the Hero movie he's had...it recently came out here in the US but we had the sub-title version, which was jsut as good. The movie was excellent. He fixed up some food while I watched. A side salad, some chicken skewers w/ a side of rice. He totally pampered me, making sure I was relaxed and undisturbed from watching the movie. Such a sweetheart. He drops me off afterwards and I stay home to watch the MTV awards w/ my sis. I go to sleep around 11:30pm when I receive a phone call @ 1:30am. It was Roland.

We ended up on the phone til 6am in the morning...

Since I know I don't want to type all that happened, you can get an idea w/ this: and email I wrote to a friend today.

Well, I did question him about the whole "I don't understnad relationships" comment. I asked him how he would not know....and he was just basically saying that the relationships he's been in never really turned out great, never really fit, so it is hard for him to recognize something that will last....long enuff to be able to call it a bf/gf type of relationship. He knows that we are "In a relationship", he just can't promise me anything right now....he said something like "I mean, I don't know if I can promise you that you're the only one, that I'll take care of you and all that. But I do know that regardless of what happens, our friendship is more important to me, more valuable to me than anything."

I thought at first he was afraid of commitment...then he said, "No, it's not that I can't commit....I'm not seeing anyone else, I would tell you if I were. But I can't promise that you're "thee one" or that I'm "thee one". I freaken felt like he was talking about marriage. I teased him about it, but I do understand what he's talking about. He doesn't want to jump into it and make all kinds of promises now....damn, he must be a really good boyfriend....he's good now to me and he's not even my boyfriend. He said he felt weird, cuz it all seems surreal, like high school again....that things were just too good and was afraid that the reality of it all would make things complicated.

Then we talked about Brenden again, and he was explaining that he's unsure how that goes...and how it's suppose to be. I said I didn't want him to feel overwhelmed about that, that I'm kinda new to it too and that I just want someone who will accept him fully, or else they can't have me fully. That I didn't want him to feel like there was all of a sudden this huge responsibility he would have to take upon, that our communication w/ each other is very important and to just take it day by day....

We opened up so much last nite. Remember when I told you that he was questioning how I felt about us? He kept asking me how I felt. He wants to make sure I'm ok with how things are...

In my journal, I kinda explained how I felt, you know, the description of the whole rollercoaster ride, it seems he feels exactly the same way as me.

I'm one happy girl right now.

last night and my exciting jitters

2004-08-27T01:18:10Z

The past few days I've been really good at not calling Roland. Sunday night I didn't call, Monday he called me, Tuesday I didn't call and last night he called me. I could tell he's not much of a talker on the phone. Most of our conversations are 10-15 min. long, sometimes shorter. I don't mind that at all, but it makes a hell of a difference when he's the one calling me...lol.

He invited me to come over and watch Passion of Christ, but I couldn't cuz I had to wake up early to take Brenden to school. So he decided to watch the movie and call me back.

Well, he did. 12:30am we're on the phone and he talks about the movie and what he thought about it. Then we started getting into other issues. I brought the issue up about me having a child. I asked him if he's ever been w/ anyone who had a child, he said no. Well, he's dated someone but not been serious with one. I was kinda curious as to how he felt by all that. I know he doesn't mind it, but it's one thing to not mind one who has a child, and another to actually go thru it and live it. I told him about that and what I thought he was about, in my eyes.

Me: "Well, I know you said you don't mind it....and knowing your personality, I know with certain scenarios that would come up, I feel nothing negative."

Roland: "Well, yeah. I know if something were to bother me, I'd talk to you about it. I'll be open with you. I don't think there is anything to be negative about."

Me: "Yes, I was just wondering about that."

As I thought about it, I kinda felt a little bit at ease with the idea of maybe introducing Brenden to Roland. But from my experience w/ a past relationship, the bond that happens between the man I'm seeing and my son isn't all that great. Til this day my son still remembers Sam, and still asks about him when something triggers his memory of him. For example, Christmas lights. We took Brenden to see the Christmas lights 2 years ago, and Brenden still talks about it.

I don't know whether to talk to Roland about this, tell him the only reason why he hasn't met my son yet is because I don't want Brenden to become attached to someone who isn't a "for sure" deal. I'm not saying that I have no faith in our relationship, that it won't last, but maybe it's a bit early for them to meet? I don't even know where this relationship is heading...it's just too early to tell. I wonder if Roland even thought about why I haven't introduced him to Brenden yet, or brought him around?

I guess when the right time comes, I'll know it. It's just hard for me to live this "double life". It seems my time is precious and limited: enuff for Brenden, enuff for me, enuff for Roland...it sucks that I can't put it all together, at least not yet.

I get shit from my parents sometimes. The way they see it, when I hand Brenden to his father, they think I do it so I could go out. It hurts that they think that way. It isn't fair for me to hear bullshit like that all the time. When Brenden is with his father, that's the only time Brenden has with him, now that his father is back from up north.....not to mention the only time I have for myself and Roland. So I try to plan it out so that I can be with friends, but also be with Roland. That way I have a stable social life. My parents don't understand that...and are being unfair to my needs. How the hell am I suppose to lead a normal life? Even Moms need normal lives, my Mom should know that. I don't do drugs, I don't neglect my son or my priorities...and yes, it's OK to have a freaken boyfriend....it's just unfair.

Anyways, I ended up being on the phone w/ Roland for 50 min. The longest and most productive conversation I've had w/ him. We talked about the wedding reception we will be attending this Sat....which I'll tell you more about tomorrow. =0)

to be cont.

Miniature Golf

2004-08-24T21:53:50Z

The weekend was great. Friday nite I went out w/ my sister to Conga Room. It really wasn't worth the $5...my sister was bored out of her mind even tho we were able to dance to some reggae music.

Roland called me up and asked what I was doing...he ended up going to Nonya in pasadena. He was on his way to Rambo's, a taco trunk in Eaglerock. He asked me if I wanted to hang out at his house. I said sure, then asked me if I wanted anything to eat. "Just a taco." My sister drops me off, and he hands me 4 tacos. We sat in his livingroom and ate. I finished about 3 of my tacos while he ate a burrito. We started talking about the company that I work for and what I do exactly. He was so lit, he couldn't really comprehend all that I was saying. Then we started talking about handwriting. He said my handwriting was nice and that good handwriting is a turn on. What a weirdo?

Sat. morning I go home and started cooking the sauce for some lasagna I was going to bake for that night. I sorta mentioned to Roland before I left his house that there would be a bbq at my friend Liz's house if he wanted to come along. He said yes. About 3 hours later, after I was done preparing everything for the lasagna, I head back to Roland's. On the way there I spoke to Liz and her and John planned on going to play miniature golf instead. I haven't played that shit in so long. I thought that would be fun. So I get to Roland's and tell him we're going to play miniature golf instead, and he laughed. He hasn't played in so long either.

We go to Liz's house and Roland says that he'll drive to the place. This is his first time meeting Liz and John, and I'm a little cautious as to how he would react. But he acted like himself and was even affectionate in front of them. So I was feeling good. Playing miniature golf was even more fun...we had a great time.

That nite, I went back home to finish the lasagna. Then went back to his house and watched tv.

It was a nice weeknd w/ him.

Hmmm.....

2004-08-20T23:03:54Z

I don't know what to think. I sometimes feel like things are just too good to be true, and when they are, usually something bad is bound to happen.

I could kind of tell that Roland is feeling the same way as I am. We're both on this rollercoaster enjoying the time on it, but at the same time wondering when it's going to end or when those unexpected turns are going to come up. There sure are some doubts there. There's times when I wonder if he's at all tired of seeing me...but seems to always call me to come over. I've asked him if he's felt like we're over doing it (seeing each other), but he says no, and I believe him. I don't know why I need so much reassurance from him. I guess that's what happens when you've been burned so badly like I have. Always unsure about the possibilities. Being that I love to take a chance on things, I sure as hell don't have the patience to figure out if they feel the same way...I always want to know everything at that moment. I hate "waiting to see what happens"...I live for the moment....and I guess that's bad some times. But I could say that we are on the same page about a lot of things. Things that he's questioned about, I've agreed on and vice versa.

He invited me over to his house on Tuesday cuz he had one of his bestfriends over and he wanted me to meet him. I came by and we talked for about an hour about all their drunken stories...when his friend left, Roland was going thru some music. He asked me the last time I slow danced...damn, since high school. He took my hand and danced with me in the middle of his livingroom. We reminicsed on all the old slow songs and played which we both agreed was nice. It was romantic.

Later that nite, he said to me, "See, these are the things I like. The slow dancing in the livingroom, just lying here talking to you, it has nothing to do with sex...I like spending time with you."

Can someone please kill me right now?

Wow...

2004-08-16T21:25:39Z

I had a great time over the weekend, actually, starting from Thursday. Went to Pig n Whistle for my girl Cat's b-day. She was pretty faded and was sorta watching over her...she's out of control when she's dancing. Was able to kick it with Kristy and Christian, my favorite couple. They're interested in setting me up with Christian's brother...I wondr if he myspace's? he he he....Roland was trying to come out there, but ended up kickin' it w/ his friends @ home. I went to his house afterwards.

Friday nite went to Shine in Hollywood. I bumped into one of my friends from a looooong time ago, Steve...it was a real trip to see him there. The party itself wasn't too bad. I got pretty tipsy and stupid me spent way too much money on alcohol. I swear, my ass is stayin' home from now on. Summer is ending and it's time to start saving money again for more important things. Like a vacation next year! Roland called and said he was out in Pasadena @ Nonya's. Met up with him afterwards to eat @ Conrad's, but as soon as we got there he had to leave cuz a friend of his had gotten into an accident on the freeway. So we met up @ his house afterwards (hmmm, this is repetative!)

Sat. I stayed home all day. I just chilled w/ my son and watched tv, clean, do some laundry...the typical. Called Roland to set up breakfast sunday morning, dimsum. Been craving for that for weeks now...went to bed @ 11, had a really bad headache. Must have been the lack of sleep I've been havin' the past few days. Roland having jet lag still is messin' me up, all those late nite conversation we have about life and everything else. 3 o'clock am rolls around and it's a familiar number...Jake.

Me: "Hello"
Jake: "Liz?"
Me: "Yeah"
Jake: "Hey, are you sleeping?"
Me: "Uh, Yeah."
Jake: "Ahhh, sorry. Wrong weekend to call huh?"
Me: "Yeah, wrong weekend to call."
Jake: "Alright, go back to sleep."
Me: "Alright."
Jake: "Ba-Bye."

WTF? No mutha fucka, wrong to call period! WTF is he thinking? He doesn't call me for months, and all of a sudden he thinks he can just call me and be like, "Yo, what's up Liz." Fuck that. I'm done playin' games w/ him.

Anyways, I wake up Sunday morning and called Roland for our dimsum date. He's never been to one where they come around in carts and you choose whatever you like. He was pretty amazed with the whole thing...and he liked it. I brought pictures that I had found in an old kaboodle box a few days ago. He flipped thru them while I was making my rounds of what I wanted from the carts. I enjoyed watching him trip out on how much I've changed...not too much, but still a big difference as far as weight and fashion goes. LOL....went home and met up with my sister. Took the kids w/ us to get our nails done...I hate coming to the nail shop having to end up with a newbie. Nothing wrong with it, it's just that if I'm not satisfied with it, I tend not to say anything about it. But this time I told my sister, and she totally had another girl do it over again. I just felt bad for the newbie, you know? I hate making someone else feel like crap. I saw the manager of the place in the corner of my eye go up to the girl and yell at her...I felt bad, but relieved cuz my nails looked better.

Headed out to Old Navy in Pasadena and did some shopping for Brenden. He'll be starting school soon...so I gotta really stock up on good fitting clothes. I spotted an I Love Mom shirt on sale, so I got that and thought, why not get the I Love Dad too...so I took that and Brenden all of a sudden said, "No Mommy, I don't want that shirt."

Me: "Why, it says I love Dad."
Brenden: "No, I don't want it."
Me: "OK, what about I Love Mom?"
Brenden: "Yeah, I want that one."
Me: "Are you sure you don't want I Love Dad?"
Brenden: "No Mommy, I haven't seen Dad in 10 years."

I don't know where the hell that came from, but for a litte kid, he knows how to be sarcastic. It ain't not my fault his father is such a freaken loser.

Anyways, we leave and pick up dinner, then head home. I speak to Roland for a few minutes. He asks me to come over and watch a movie w/ him...we end up watching Sae Biscuit. Loved it.

So, now reading over this, I've noticed Roland mention almost everyday. How the hell did that happen?

Just enjoy it girl, just enjoy it.

Something for Roland

2004-08-12T21:44:36Z

Before You Existed

Before you existed I was lost,
Unsure if I could ever feel again.
Alone, untouched, unprotected by the faces that seemed so true.
I wasn’t quite sure of what to believe.
I found myself confused,
And I was frustrated with all the misleading notions
That love was there
When it wasn’t.

Before you existed I wasn’t expecting much.
I wasn’t hopeful, I wasn’t confident.
I wasn’t able to have any faith in anything I was in
Because I was always wheeled in to believe it was genuine
When in the end I was pushed aside.
In the end I was foolish to believe
That things would change,
When it didn’t.

But you walked into my world and all that has been altered.
You gave me reasons to love again,
All the reasons I've been trying to look for all this time.
I can finally rest my heart in hands so tender.
Your hands,
The hands that bring me to bliss every time you touch me.

Before you existed I tried to feel nothing
And now that you exist I let go
To feel everything.

dragon_flies @ 2004-08-11T12:39:00

2004-08-11T20:12:07Z

roland got back from the philippines saturday nite. i thought he'd be back on sunday...he called me on his way home from the airport. i was so happy...we made plans to see each other on sunday.

sunday afternoon i call him and he was still sleeping. he asked me to come by so we could figure out what to do. we talked about his trip and he handed me a bracelet and a fan that he had bought at boracay. we then head out for dinner @ pasadena to a place called tokyo wako...I was craving sushi. a nice quiet dinner, talking about relationships and all sorts of stuff. I knew then that i would enjoy the rest of the nite with him. we decided to watch a movie after, Spiderman 2. we had some time to kill, so we went to the little arcade and played Galaga and some racing game. the movie was good, if you're into the whole story of spiderman. it kinda dragged...but it was good.

afterwards, we went back to his place and talked all nite...he's an amazing person, and i'm looking forward to seeing him more. we get along so well, and we've talked about how weird it is that we're so comfortable with each other.

You

2004-08-11T19:29:24Z

After almost giving up
You've amazed me in every way.
You've made me see that I can feel again.

It's the little things you do
that make me smile.
The way you play with my hand when you hold me close
Or the way you constantly ask me how I am
when I'm with you throughout the day.
You care, and that alone makes me happy.

It's too soon to tell what we can become
Whether it be the relationship I've longed for
or a great friendship.
Either way, you're a wonderful person
and I'm glad you came into my life.
The time with you is precious.
You're a part of my memories
and I look forward to making more
with you.

dragon_flies @ 2004-07-09T16:24:00

2004-07-09T23:39:20Z

Today is Friday and we've got plans to go to Highlands. Nice place, the scenery is great and the music is going to be good. Can't wait to check it out, it's been 2 yrs. since I've been there last.

Tomorrow Roland will be going to NYC to find some sewers for his sister's clothing line. He'll be there 'til Tuesday...then the week after he'll be going to the Philippines for vacation for 2wks. He called me late last nite to say hello. He was at some local bar he usually goes to w/ some friends.

I think of him every time I hear this song:

Your Body Is A Wonderland
By: John Mayer

We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you

One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

'Cause if you want love
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

you want love?
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland

Damn baby
You frustrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland

OMG

2004-07-09T00:59:15Z

What is going on here? I can't seem to take Roland off my mind...it's scary. I loved hanging out with him, and now all I want to do is call him and see him. But I'm stopping myself from doing it. I know me, I get all involved with the guy...being impatient and shit. I am really interested in getting to know him, but I need to learn to take it day by day...I have to slow down.

Maybe it's all the talk about my friends telling me how good he is to me, how he's so nice and cool and how good we look together. Errrr...I have to do this differently. I need to chill.

I'm trying to keep myself busy...

Dating (cont.)

2004-07-08T00:56:00Z

So my phone rings and it's Jake's number...

Me: Hello

Carlo: Hey Liz, it's Carlo.

Me: Who?

Carlo: Carlo!

Me: Oh, hey Carlo! How you doin'?

Carlo: I'm good, where are you?

Me: I'm @ Leo's getting tacos w/ my friend Cat.

Carlo: Hey, why don't you guys come over, let's party...

Me: Nah, Cat is gonna go home and I'm gonna leave pretty soon too...

Carlo: Ah, come on....come over, we'll party at the house.

Me: Nah, it's cool, why are you telling me this, why isn't Jake talking to me about this?

And I hung up...too much time has been wasted already.

Anyways, I'm in a new groove...went out with the guy I went out with last friday nite...and he's such a sweetheart. Very nice, mature, funny, goofy, considerate....all of that! So I'm really looking forward to moving on, and with someone who is pretty stable with everything. BUT, I do know not to get into anything too quickly...but it's always nice to know that there's someone I can kick it with when I have the time.

I have a teacher (for some class that I'm taking) who wants to take me out. He looks like an old mexican gangsta guy, a veterano...he probably is one...nothing wrong with that. Anyways, he's actually pretty handsome...but I don't know. It was just very awkward for me. First of all, he's older than me, maybe 10-12 years older, which is fine but I've never dated someone that much older than me...he's a teacher, which makes me think "Has he done this before?"...AND he was very aggressive...no time wasted, just straight out asked me out and said he wanted to get to know me, wanted to know all about my son, what I like to do, that he sees that I'm a very meture woman, very beautiful....blah blah blah...it was pretty scary. But, he seems very sincere, I'm just trippin'. Anyways, I told him that I would feel more comfortable if we spoke about "us" after I was done with the class. And he respected that. Next week is my last class...

Been taking pilates class, which I really enjoy. I wish I could take it more often, but damn, it's $30 per session. So I only go once a week.

Dating

2004-06-28T19:10:51Z

Friday I had a date w/ a guy whom I met on friendster months ago. Funny, I never thought I'd actually have the guts to go out with someone I met online...but then again, I've done it once before and that was awkward. This guy was different tho, yet still awkward. We met about 6-7 years ago through mutual friends, not to mention one of our mutual friends was my ex-husband. Awkward.

It wasn't until later that nite that I found out they weren't very close. They only knew of each other, bumping into each other at club scene's or pool halls. That made me feel a little more comfortable.

I would have to say that I had a great time on our date...and I wouldn't mind going out with him again. Yet, I've been told that he didn't look like my type...which is true...he isn't my type. But I do believe opposites attract. So why not?

Saturday I've taken up on another date with a guy whom I met at a bar 2 months ago. We talk on the phone often and have seen each other maybe twice after that. He's been wanting to take me out, and I've always been busy. I'm not too attracted to this guy either, but I thought since we get along, why not? He's a cool guy.

We had dinner @ Olive Garden and earlier that day I had just finished rearranging my room. I was so tired, plus I hardly had any sleep, my head was pounding and I had ended up cutting the date short. Maybe also cuz I felt like we weren't at the same level with each other. He tried to be affectionate with me, but I felt uncomfortable. I didn't know how I would react the rest of the nite.

I went home and called up my girl Cat...she was on her way to Larchmont and suggested I join her...so I did. My brother and his friends were already there, so I kicked it with them and saw some other people. It was a cool nite. After Larchmont, we decided to go to Leo's, a taco truck on Eaglerock. I was feeling pertty brave when I decided to call Jake and give him a piece of my mind. We haven't seen each other for 3 months now....mutha fucka owes me money. I left a message for him 2-3 wks. ago and he didn't call me back. So as I sat there in Cat's car on the way to Leo's, I made myself upset just thinking about it. I dialed *67 to block my number and sure nuff, he answers:

Jake: Hello!?! (music and people in the background)

Me: Yeah, Jake? It's Liz.

Jake: What's up Liz!?! You know what, I'ma tell you right now I'm fucked up!

Me: Yeah, well, you know what? Where's my money?!?

Jake: Oh yeah, I'm sorry I haven't called you...I've been too embarrassed to call you cuz I'm broke. I can't pay you right now...

Me: Yeah well, you know what, a simple fucken call would have been nice.

Jake: I'm not trying to be a dick or anything.

Me: You know what, I'm going to assume you're trying to be a dick if you fucken avoid me...call me and let me know what's going on, cuz that's fucked up!

Jake: Yeah, I know Liz. I'm sorry...I'll pay you, I promise...how've you been...

Me: I've been ok, and you?

Jake: Yeah, we just got out of Mayans...but don't worry Liz, I'll get you the money ok!?!

I just hung up on him. I was so glad I was able to get that off my chest. I've been wanting to give him a piece of my mind. A few minutes later, my phone rings.

Me: Hello?

To Be Cont....

So True

2004-05-12T22:51:33Z

Here's an article I found that I thought was nice and so very true...often times I look back and remember those who have come into my life and left...and wondered if they were the ones that got away. If it was meant to be, our paths will meet again...maybe it won't? But there's always hope that I will be happy with someone by my side.

"The ONE That Got Away"
By: Mark J. Macapagal
Source: The Manila Times

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance. How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact. Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away." You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."